“Stale Mate or Stalemate Marriage?”
The one simple secret in marriage that makes all the difference. “C’mon!” You might be saying to yourself. “Really? One thing?” Yeah… Really. The problem is that people really aren’t trained for marriage. Think about it. What did you have to do before you got your drivers license? You had to take a class and pass it before you could get your drivers permit. You had to prove to the DMV that you could handle the responsibility and could navigate the roads safely. Compare that with what you did to get a marriage license. All you had to do was be a legal adult and have 45 bucks! Seriously! That’s it. No training, and no test. So, unfortunately we aren’t being trained on how to be married. We can get married. That’s the easy part. Most of the population can do that without any training at all. But almost 50% end in divorce. Hmmm… that tells us that something is wrong with the system. If 50% of a teachers class failed in school, we would be wondering about the teacher.
So, what happens in a normal marriage that can really cause problems? First, we fall in love. Dorothy Tennov, in her book “Love and Limerence” calls the feeling of “being in love” “limerence.” The problem starts when we think the same amount of effort we put in falling in love should just keep happening naturally. We think that staying in love would be easy, like surfing the wave of “limerence.” Limerence is a chemical cocktail that gets people to fall in love. There aren’t any sustaining nutrients in this delicious cocktail. We do the loving things because we are in love. Think about that for a second. You would stay up all night. Drive for hours. Go completely out of your way because you were in love. Then when the wave of limerence runs ashore the feelings fade and couples begin to notice they aren’t feeling “in love” anymore and start wondering why. At this time, most people begin noticing the things their spouse has stopped doing, and that is where they stop in their exploration for why things are different. They say to themselves and even to other people, “if my spouse would just ______ it would make our relationship better.” And this is the number one problem that destroys marriages, “Looking to the other person to make changes.” So what is the solution, Look in the mirror to start making changes. If both people do this, the relationship is going to soar like a rocket. If only one or none, then the relationship is going to fizzle like a dud. So… who are you going to look to to make your marriage more amazing? I’ve developed this really cool tool to help keep couples on track its called the check in. There are 4 simple questions to keep the couple focused on what they can personally do to make the marriage more amazing. Email me at emilharker@gmail.com if you want it. Just include the word “Check In” in the subject line.
https://emilsmarriageclub.activehosted.com/form/31
Emil will be a special guest on KUTV Channel 2 Fresh Living program Wednesday December 30th where he will be introducing his brand new program “Emil’s Marriage Club – The ultimate marriage enrichment program with a surprising twist.” Make sure you tune in!
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